Get. Lost.

Today I got lost. Obviously not on purpose, I don't think it would be called getting lost if we did it on purpose but I was lost. I went on my daily run and decided to take the path that connects my neighborhood to the neighborhood behind us and as I finished running to the dead end and walking back, because I am in no way fit enough to run both there and back, I noticed that all the houses looked the same. Not only did all the houses look the same but I also did not pay close attention to the house that the path back to my neighborhood was by. As each house passed, I convinced myself I was somewhat close and I just have to pay close attention to every house I go by and hope that it would look familiar. As cars passed me by I hoped they couldn't see the semi-panic that started to creep in. I played it cool and not as if I was an imposter in a neighborhood I didn't know with people who probably now think I'm crazy for walking back and forth down the same street for what seemed like hours. As you can see that escalated quickly as my thoughts often do. Now for those of you thinking, Hope, doesn't your phone have maps and to that I say why yes, yes it does. In that initial moment, my mind went to what anyones would, panic. When we are faced with the unknown or feeling of not knowing we often respond in fear and that same fear is what disables us from thinking clearly. When my mind finally stopped racing, I was able to think logically and see that the path was in fact on my map and about 50ft behind me.

I realized I was so focused on the cars passing by, wondering if I looked out of place, and by the houses not knowing if it was the right one that if I were to have stopped and thought instead of automatically gone into a (semi) panic, I could have easily seen the path was, quite literally, 50ft away. Human nature, in times of the unknown, is fight or flight. What if instead there was a third option of just stopping and listening. An option of total and complete peace that while in the unknown seems so unattainable but also so present and unexplainable. We can access that peace and calm by the Holy Spirit that God has put in every one of us as we believe in His son. Now I think you can see where this is going.

For the past couple of months, I have been hyper-focused on what God has planned for me. What my future looks like and how to work towards that in the now. I wanted to find the perfect word or label to slap on my forehead to let everyone know what I'm doing with my education and current status as a college student. Much like the multitude of houses I passed, I wanted to know which my path was by and wanted to make sure those around me thought I belonged there. Looking around at what's happening now, I realized I got lost yet again. I got lost in the "when will this end?" and if I can just hold out for x amount of days then I will be okay, but today I stopped.

The panic and fear that began with all this confusion have slowly been coming to a halt and I toady I was able to think clearly and see that it's not about the right house, the perfect career, or even the path. It's about the here and now and what I choose to do with it. It's about how the chaos turns into clarity and how my relationship with God grows because "you know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." (James 1:3) and every single one of our faiths is being tested during these times. Tested by giving us the time and the choice to say I choose you. I choose to stop and listen, to stop and see that what was once fulfilling to me can no longer hold me up. I choose to say my life is on mission for you and right now that looks like choosing you every second of every day, not some perfect house, path, or label.

This is not to say I am not grieving. I grieve the adventures I wanted to go on and the people I wanted to meet. I grieve the community that comes from Sunday gatherings and life groups but, I grieve with hope. I know that my God sees my grief (Psalm 34:17-18) and Jesus bore it on the cross (Isaiah 53:3-5). I know that God will vanquish my grief (1 Thes. 4:13) and there will come a day of complete peace and joy. So, I dwell in hope for that day and I'm able to grieve with hope and when I get lost, I listen.

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Lost: denoting something that has been taken away or cannot be recovered.

We have lost a lot. But when we see what cannot be recovered, we have the clarity to also see what has always been there. When we are

Lost: unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts.

He knows. So don't dwell in the panic or fear. Denote them and dwell in the hope of what he is doing and will do. Stop, and I cannot stress this enough, listen. Fear robs you of hope and even though it's hard when we know that He is greater than all things, He gives us a spirit not of fear, but of hope and joy. If we want the unexplained, ask. If we want the joy in the trials, ask. He. Is. Listening.

Now go and get lost, because the creator always finds those who wander off.